A Nihilist Pick of Romantic Movies

As it is now that day once more…Valentine’s Day, the most corporate friendly Hallmark holiday of fake annual sentiment (and no I’m not just saying that because I’m single… and yes that might well be the reason I’m single!)
In an effort to alleviate the stress of picking a good movie to watch with your loved one I have selected 10 romance-alternatives for your viewing pleasure…but a small note for the guys, these movies might not guarantee you getting laid (because we know that’s the  only reason guys go along with this ‘holiday’ , or else you’d make romantic sentiments throughout the year)

1.  My Bloody Valentine

Trashy 3D horror with some plenty of bloody, not much Valentine as pickaxe wielding maniac seeks revenge on a mining town.  It might scare those of a nervous disposition, so here’s hoping you date a schizophrenic(!), plus it has perhaps the most naked horror victim in cinema history!

2. (500) Days of Summer

Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt (the once funny little kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun) and the beautiful Zooey Deschanel as the not-so star-crossed-lovers who embark on a relationship.  All the typical (not to mention nonsensical) paradigms of the rom-com are there – boy likes girl, girl doesn’t like boy, boy makes a fool of himself etc, etc.  But no happy ending (per sé, but the dude kind of ends up with Minka Kelly in the end, so definitely a happy ending of sorts) – plus it’s funny, inventive, a rom-com that isn’t a rom-com, and who wouldn’t fall in love with Zooey Deschanel (her character likes the Smiths, likes Karaoke, and likes playing a game where she shouts ‘Penis’ as load as she can – in this country we use the word ‘Bogies’, but whatever, she’s totally forgiven.)

3. Lost In Translation

Not a Rom-Com, but it’s funny, and definitely romantic.  A beautiful counterfoil to the greedy hollywood think tanks that continue to fund shallow predictable and boring Rom-Com’s because for some reason people actually want to watch them.  But Sofia Coppola’s Japan-set drama is beautifully observed, and any film that has the beautiful Scarlett Johanssen and the legend that is Bill Murray has got to be a good thing right? Touching, endearing, and the classic ending that you and you loved once can discuss to your romantic little hearts’ content.

4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

From Judd Apatow, but not by Judd Apatow, the comedy movie juggernaut that’s replaced Adam Sandler’s brand of ugly guy romances hot girl with knob gags with their very own brand of ugly guy gets hot girl with knob gags.  Except this one is funny and written by star Jason Siegel as he attempts to get over the harsh break up with actress girlfriend Sarah Marshall (played by Kristen Bell) by visiting Hawaii – where he runs into said girlfriend holidaying with rockstar, douchebag boyfriend Aldis Snow (a perfectly cast Russell Brand) and falls in love with the lovely Mila Kunis, and who can blame him.  Hear that? The only way to get over a break up, is to get another partner!

5.  Shaun of the Dead

The Socrates of the Zombie-com sub-genre.  A slacker (Simon Pegg) and his bigger slacker mate (Nick Frost) fight Zombies, save relationships with tired girlfriends, deal with matricide (she does turn into a Zombie!) and fight more Zombies.  It’s scary, funny, and Frost and Pegg are the kings of the movie bromance – never forget your mates guys!

6. Casino Royale

Speaks for itself I think.  Daniel Craig, as James Bond, kicks butt, sleeps with a lot of women, falls in love, she lies to save him and then gets killed in Venice, he gets cranky and seeks revenge – essentially the plot of the sequel ‘Quantum of Solace’, which turns him into the tux wearing womanizing spy we all know and love.  That’s amore!

7. Mullholland Drive

I wouldn’t lie to you dear readers, you know you can trust me on this one.  If you’ve never seen a David Lynch film let me say it plainly…he’s the most romantic director of our generation!  And there is a beautiful romance in this movie, between two women, who get topless.  Nuff said!

8. Let The Right One In/Let Me In

Both Swedish and American versions are noted here as both are pretty good.  If I was to pick for one I’d chose the original swedish version.  But if don’t want to read subtitles Matt Reeves (director of Cloverfield) remake is just as good, if a little more horror-centric.  The movie is about a relationship between a bullied little boy, who befriends a little girl with a secret, she’s a vampire and much older than she seems.  All jokes aside there is a touching friendship at the core of this movie, a fierce, disturbing but beautiful loyalty.  It’s scary and sweet in equal measure, a film that is not to be missed.

9. Date Movie/Epic Movie/Disaster Movie et al.

These unbelievable flatulent attempts at movie making are simply that poor that you might as well switch them off. Two hours of your life are better spent feeling up the one you love.

10. Airplane!

Because it’s the most awesome movie ever…simple as. R.I.P. Leslie


Fubar Robinson


~ by Ian Fubar Robinson on February 14, 2011.

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